A sleepless night, submerged by black thoughts and dreams that churned around my head leaving my eyes as dark as the nightmares. Strange, grotesque visions of innumerable sets of eyes staring at me in my sleep echoed in my mind; the aftermath of several nights spent dulling my mind with wine. I had asked my trouble doll before I slept for a change of mood in the morning, to wake up in the light, but I think she must have slept in longer than I did.
I fed my weary body, put my trainers on and ventured outside, up into the Carrick hills. It was the only thing I knew that would help to bring me back.
Within minutes, the town and my room with all its appliances and reminders of ordinary life is behind me and all I can see are hills, forests, bushes, trees and animals. I leave my self behind and spent a few hours as nothing more than a part of the earth around me.
For miles and miles in every direction, all I can see are the thousands and thousands of shades and hues of green; the lime green of the fields, the numerous earthy green shades and shadows of the forests. The green is not alone, it is dotted with the white of the weeds and flowers by the roadside which seem to mirror the white specks of the hundreds of sheep scattered around the hills and the purple of the thistles beside the path echo the purple heather gently covering the distant lands like a soft blanket.
I breathe in the fresh air that seems to be so full of life and let it go.
The wind makes the plants and flowers seem to bob along with the music in my ears and once again everything seems to be happening at just the right time. Perhaps this would be what my heaven would look like. I feel the peace of simply existing out there. The butterflies dance along beside me in the air, unaware of anything other than what they are doing. How nice it must be to always feel like you belong where you are.
The air is thick and hot and I can feel it coming from the ground. The sky is covered in clouds, but it is one of those days where anything could happen. It could rain any minute, clean, straight summer rain, soaking me to the skin. The clouds could gather and grow until they smash together causing a thunderstorm; a hot, humid night with lightening and pouring rain that mean tomorrow there would be sunshine. Or, the wind could blow the clouds right over the top of us and into the sea, the storm taking place out there in the ocean where no one but sailors would see it.
Although there is life everywhere, I can also smell death coming up from a gully and I see plants with millions of holes in their leaves, dying. Shorn wool from the sheep lie abandoned on the road and ridiculously look like discarded wigs. I see a bird of prey circling lower and lower before diving out of sight, devouring something or other.
I can see in the distance now the land touching the sky. I can feel a slight change in the air and I know that I will see the sea soon. The land around the coastline looks darker and more rugged. The sea stretches out into the horizon and I remember how indescribably infinite it all is. The sea frightens me, yet I can feel its pull and I long to see it from another country again.
Memories of a different country, of walks in another world come now. The cows have the same expressions on their faces, but they are much fatter and darker here. Different sounds, different dry air. Here the air is so full and thick you can feel the life in it, it feels good to breathe it in.
The walk makes my thoughts steadier, more like a train on a track aiming for a destination, more synchronised with the rhythm of my footsteps than like the circling water in a black hole, round and down, round and down, never reaching anything but getting so dark you cannot see.
I think it is time for some clean living again, for some motivation and some plans and whether anything comes of them or not, I think I will have to leave again after the year is through.