I discovered Katie Melua at the same time I discovered passionate, all consuming love. I was 19 and I fell quick and I fell hard. At that time in my life, I was not in the right place for love. I was disillusioned with life already, I thought love would save me, love would make everything ok, love would give me a purpose. I completely lost all control of myself. I have mixed feelings about the time. I remember the beginning and the good times, when I lay loving in his arms for hours of absolute peace. In those moments, everything was alright and the pain was replaced with pure love. These moments however could never last and the volatile way I was living my life would eventually catch up with me.
“How can anyone feel so wild, how can anyone feel so blue”.
As the time wore on and I hid away in the closet of my love, I was locked away from my friends and family and my path in life. I began to feel very alone and hopeless and afraid when I was not with him. Sometimes even when he was there, I would bury my head in the pillow and cry and cry and cry and he would ask what was wrong and I would have no answer. I think I felt like I was dead, like I had given up on my own soul and not even love would make me try.
Perhaps I knew that I could not continue my life the way it was and that therefore I could not stay with him. I used to put Katie Melua on and sing away my blues. Her voice was like a cry in the dark for me, it was my cry in the dark, I wallowed in it for a while, there was something addictive about the sadness.
“I live like a wild and lonely soul, oh lost in a dream beyond control.”
The truth is he was not able to help me, no one was. I had to make the decision to leave him and concentrate on myself. It was like deciding to give away a part of my mind.
I don’t listen to that cd very much now, but every now and then a song will come on and it will take me back to that sad place. She sounds so young now and childlike. It is difficult thinking back on that time. It took me around 7 years to recover fully from it and I still think of it. I do however understand that it was necessary for me. I know what love is and I know that it is only enough if you love yourself. I haven’t loved again since, but I have been an a long journey to learn to forgive myself, to love myself, and to love life. I think perhaps I had to be stripped bare so that I could create myself again, a better person.